Heckuva job, Brownie.....

Thanks to the gargantuan clusterfuck that has accompanied efforts to distribute the swine flu vaccine, I find myself in a scarcely controlled state of panic every morning as I send my children out to swim in the festering petri dish that is the public schools.

Miles received (what turned out to be half) his vaccination last night. His congenital heart defect served as the golden ticket to get him on the approved list of that micro-fraction of the population who now qualify for the right to fight tooth and nail to receive one of the precious doses.

That was the good news. The bad news is, because of his age, he needs a second dose in about a month to be fully vaccinated. And it's anyone's guess if there will be any vaccinations available then. I can honestly picture myself paying cash for an illicit dose in some back alley, as the recent Milwaukee hijacking suggests a burgeoning blackmarket in H1N1 vaccine can't be too far off.

We've heard an awful lot of excuses as to why, after a year of forecasts and preparation, there's simply not enough vaccine to go around. Personally, I don't think the blame goes much further than the boardrooms of the big pharmaceutical companies, where dull eyed fat cats scoffed mightily at the idea of reducing their profit margins just to respond to a national health crisis. After all, why settle for pennies-on-the-dollar producing flu vaccines if it means diverting resources from pumping out those magic moneymaking elixirs for restless leg syndrome or erectile dysfunction?

Alas, wiggly legs and limp dicks will be the least of anyone's worries when half the population perishes from the plague (significantly reducing Big Pharma's customer base.) My guess though is that most of those same executives have already been vaccinated and will thus be happily, and healthily, cashing their bonus checks (albeit with a murky conscience) while the rest of us bury our dead.

Until then, I'll go on with my daily ritual of painting my front door with lambs blood and anointing the children's heads with holy oil to ward off the sickness demons. On the plus side, my Purell stock has shot up in value, and I'm designing a line of day-glo surgical masks which I expect to make quite a splash. Who knows-maybe on the free market front I'll come out of this as a player as well!

I just hope I live to cash the checks.